11.2

11:

One of my favorite numbers.

It’s probably because in elementary school, when we were assigned a class number, I was #11 for multiple years.

It was also the number of people in a group with whom I thought I’d be friends with forever.

11… 

More than 10, but less than 12.

There was something “odd” about it (no pun intended).

But this is probably another reason why this is one of my favorite numbers because I always felt like the odd one out.

2:

Not one of my favorite numbers, but I can appreciate it.

After all, they say two is better than one.

Two peas in a pod.

Two halves to a whole.

A lot of things come in pairs.

If we take the 1’s in 11 & add them, well, 1 + 1 = 2.

2 makes us feel complete.

2 tells us we get a second chance at life.

But when we add 11 & 2…

11 + 2 = 13

13:

The unlucky number & quite conveniently, my karmic debt number.

12 is considered universally perfect; it represents harmony & all good things.

But 13?

13 tells us that we took things one step too far, & now harmony has turned into discord.

13 causes us to look back & try to figure out where we misstepped.

Did we do too much just to receive so little?

We try to go back to the very beginning.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I made it back to the very beginning with a sad smile on my face.

But as I scrolled through the archived messages on my desktop, the system crashed.

Perhaps it was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to be looking.

If we take 11.2 & turn it around, it becomes 2.11.

And I see it as 2, 1, 1, as if I am nearing the end of a countdown to something big, but I am afraid to say “zero” because I fear becoming nothing. 

I’m counting down the days to my showcase, to my graduation, to moving back home, to my MCAT.

I’m counting the days I spend time with people, & the ones that pass where I wish I could renew a friendship.

I’m counting the days of my hair growing back, while hoping that the stress I’m feeling won’t cause it to thin again.

I close my eyes & count to 10, hoping this is all just a bad dream.

Because I’m terrified by the numbers.

Them.

It’s hard, I know.

They screw you over.

“It’s okay, we’re human.”

It happens again.

“Have patience.”

And again.

“Forgiveness is key. Don’t worry.”

And again…

You find yourself looking in the mirror,/ Trying to stare deep into your soul.

“What’s wrong with me?”

At this point, it’s time to let go./ You’ve done everything you could.

You’ve forgiven and tried to forget./ Then you realized that you can’t forget./ Because if you forget, did you learn your lesson?

You’ve loved when it was hard./ You’ve given, even when people told you it was pointless./ Who else would be there if you weren’t?

But sometimes they just don’t see it./ Sometimes they just don’t understand./ They don’t know the blood./ They don’t know the sweat./ They don’t know the tears.

They may have been there for years./ They may have been there for months./ And in an instance, gone./ Like they didn’t even know you./ Like you don’t even exist.

All you get is a head nod./ Sometimes just a stare./ And you crawl into your shell for a bit,/ Because you feel out casted./ You don’t belong.

But darling, it’s okay.

That’s just the way life is.

People come and people go./ You are wonderful./ Imperfect, yes, but nonetheless.

You feel like a lone wolf,/ But you’ll find your pack someday./ Not everyone can run beside you./ Not everyone can keep your pace.

If it’s meant to be, maybe they’ll come back.

But baby, don’t waste your time.

Because you are worth much more than they make you feel.

“What’s wrong with me?”

It’s not you, it’s them.

What am I Supposed to Do with My Life?

As someone currently preparing for the terrible storm that every college student knows as “finals,” a few things have been running through my head. My initial thought? How nervous I am and how I could possibly be able to schedule out all my time to study for all my tests and pass with a good amount of success. Hooray, Dead Week (for those of you lucky to have one). Personally, I’m not someone who likes to settle for a C. It’s bound to happen at one point in my career, but today is not that day (I hope). Along with this whole “freaking out” over final exams comes the questions that run through everyone’s minds, I’m sure: What happens if I don’t pass? What does it say about my career choice? Is this path that I want to travel truly the right path for me? And if not, what am I supposed to do with my life then?

Ahh, the big question. “What am I supposed to do with my life?” This is what sucks: though I’m sure this feeling of uncertainty probably popped up over various decades, the pressure for young adults to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives is weighing down more heavily than ever. I mean, at the age of 17 or 18, we open up our college apps and pick a major: Biology, Engineering, Architecture, Art History, Philosophy, the list is endless. And while we want to pick something that we enjoy, there’s always that parent or family member that expects you to be a doctor or a lawyer and scoffs at you if you simply mention the idea of Fashion Design. And it’s like, HELLO?! Our brains are still developing. We are old enough to make some of our own decisions, but not old enough to solidify them just yet. We must not forget that this world is constantly, changing, and that includes the young population of today.

And has high school properly equipped us to fight this battle that is the adult world? I think not. Our generation’s education system has done a pretty brutal job of testing how well we can stuff multiple subjects of information in our head while seeing how it takes a toll on our mental and physical health. While I for one can say I found some enjoyment in being able to balance myself out by participating in a handful of musical curricular activities while still maintaining a high GPA, I can say that at least half of the stuff I learned in high school I have forgotten and will probably never use. Ever. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but as a future doctor, will I really need to find trigonometry to find some kind of defect in the angle of a person’s elbow bend? No… Like, what? And as an architect, is it necessary to know how to play the diminished 7th chord on a piano? Perhaps not. I have to give the American education system some credit; I admit that we should be more diverse in our learning and really keep our eyes open to what we may want to pursue, but there’s only so much of this that the institution can feed us before it starts to choke us. I think everyone should learn a little bit of history so that tragedies of the past may not reincarnate themselves on us if we are improperly educated on a matter. It’s also nice for people to learn how to sing a perfect harmony to get their creativity flowing. But we can’t always get what we want.

I think what bothers me, along with many others, is the fact that most secondary schools fail to teach us valuable life skills like how to budget, how to cook, how to prevent credit card fraudulence, etc. Some people enter college with little to no understanding on how to do any of these things and for lack of a better phrase, they’re well, kind of f*cked. There are organizations like Girl Scouts and recreational classes that people can participate in to learn this stuff, but that costs money. And if a child lives in an uncomfortable situation where a parent or guardian may not be able to provide this type of guidance, because education is pretty much paid for the first 18 or so years of your life, shouldn’t the system be focusing on taking complete advantage of this? I’ve shared videos from the 60’s where men actually had legitimate, body working physical education courses and where women were required to take self-defense classes. What happened to this, huh? My generation has been blessed with an abundance of technology and opportunity. And with a growing number of young entrepreneurs, inventors, and the whole list of geniuses, we all kind of expect that we can only move the human race forward. However, technology has also caused us to retrograde in a sense. We can navigate to a desired destination by typing out an address on a GPS. But what happens when we don’t have signal or battery? How many of us actually know how to use a map? We waste our time laughing at vines and retweeting the latest Kim Kardashian memes, but when we turn on the news and see protests and violence and disaster around the world, we can choose to change the channel. Push a button, the bad disappears. Push another button, something we want becomes ours. It’s sad and selfish and leaves me wondering many-a-night on how this could possibly the future, and what it will do to the future. Now I know not everyone is going to be like this, but as younger generations become more and more tech savvy, I can’t help but worry.

Okay, what now? This brings me back to the question of “what am I supposed to do with my life?” If you’re stuck in a rut and feeling like you’re useless because you don’t exactly know what to do, DON’T LET IT GET TO YOU. You are still young, and even if half of your friends and classmates are getting married or having kids, remember that you are not them, and you set your own pace. But what about money? F*ck money. Yes, money has pretty much proclaimed itself as the ruler of the world, but it isn’t everything. Be happy first. If you find your passion and create something amazing out of it, money will come. You will be able to make it somehow. Still feeling useless? Go out and educate yourself. Do good deeds. Learn the lessons that your dumb, old high school probably didn’t teach you. Turn on that TV and watch the news, but also, understand that there may be some corruption in the way the media portrays a situation. Donate to an organization that helps with disaster relief. Even a dollar helps. Volunteer to tutor kids and teach them how to paint. We often forget the wonder and innocence of children because we worry so much about all the tasks we have to get done. Talk to someone on the street. Ask them their life story. Smile. Give them a compliment. Do a random act of kindness. These things seem so miniscule compared to the creation of the latest smart phone or a new cancer drug, but these things make a difference too. I talk about how I used to always be such a bitter person, but after taking random adventures alone to clear my mind and sharing water or food with people I just met, I feel happier and hope that the people I met feel happier too, whether or not I see them again. You may not know what career you want, but you have a purpose in life, which is to find your own way to make the world a better place. And when you find the ways you like interacting with people, and you mold this with your personal skills, your career WILL come. We worry so much about being stable and rich, but stability and richness is not only found in materialistic goods. There is a line in a song that goes, “treasure is measured in units of love, which means you may find that you are rich beyond your wildest dreams.”

So my friends, worry not about failing. This is NOT me telling you to abandon your flashcards, burn the nearest textbook, and bomb your final exams (although the sheer thought of bad-assery is pretty tempting). No one really tries to fail on purpose. It happens. We’re human. And it’s cliché to say, but it’s all part of a learning experience. Whether it be in a class or a relationship or another life situation, take this opportunity to step back and ask yourself: what went wrong and what can I do to make it better next time? If you can do better, always do it. And in it, you will find yourself eventually. Soul searching is a long journey, but we are all on this path. Never forget that somehow, somewhere you have people out there rooting for you. And when you meet that random bum on the street and buy him a sandwich, who knows? He’ll probably end up rooting for you too. Do not let finals get the best of you. First and foremost, worry about your own health. Then go and spread it to others because they might need it. Life is so much more than sitting in a cubicle for 10 hours. Life is about the people you come home to after those 10 hours. The pressure is on, but remember that failure is only failure if you refuse to pick yourself up. Remember that love and humility is worth more than money. The world may say otherwise, but compare Manny Pacquiao, congressman, singer, and loving dad, to Floyd Mayweather, a man who owns a plethora of cars and his own personal jet, but also cussed out an interviewer, and beat his wife. Who is more of the people’s person? Who has made more positive impact?

I believe that you can make it. I may or may not really know you. We may have drifted apart. We may be new friends. But there’s nothing wrong in giving a fellow human being a push of encouragement. Amidst the stress and breakdowns and overeating, we all have a voice. Do not be afraid of that voice. You may be struggling through thorn bushes and low branches on your path, but it’s still a path. Hell, dance your way through that path. And you will still get somewhere. Educate yourself. Take matters into your own hands. You will be fine. And with that, happy studying. 🙂

Excuse Me if I’m a Bit All Over the Place.

It’s mid-April and with a little bit less than a month left of school, I have succumbed to the stressors of the final stretch. With my second year at my small, private university coming to a close, the deadlines and things needing to be done are starting to dance around my head. Combined with my desire to go out to concerts and events, but my unfortunate circumstance of being a broke college student, I have definitely become more grumpy.

But what is all that without a bit of insecurity to be the perfect cherry on top?

With the spring semester being filled with more time-consuming events than fall, such as the rehearsals for a cultural showcase that took place multiple days of the week and endured for about 3 months, I gained weight and lost definition in the muscles that I had just barely gained back over winter break.

As I had to spend more and more time going into the lab for research, I found that I was having to spend more time by myself. I saw people for even shorter periods of time than I did during the previous semester. Some people had switched majors, dropped out of classes, or changed sections for classes we had together. And while I admit without shame that I thoroughly enjoy a full dose of “me time” as much as I can get it, sometimes I feel as if I’ve isolated myself so much that I just don’t fit in with places and people I was a part of.

To be quite frank, I never really fit in anyway.

One time in elementary school, every person in class had to give a presentation about a certain type of music. While most of my peers chose HipHop, R&B, and Pop, I chose to present on Italian Opera. And long before EDM became widely popular among my friends as it is now, when people asked me what my favorite song was in the 6th grade, I would reply, “He’s a Pirate (Tiesto Remix).”

And as far as looks go? Well, I’m no poster girl…

I can say I am grateful to be blessed with a skinny physique. Standing around 5’4 with slender arms and legs and my size 7 feet, people have often asked me if I am dancer because of my stature. Or maybe it’s the way I walk… Or how I sit? Or dance around? I don’t know. Anyway, to be honest it makes me smile when people think that, (1) because they think I have talent and (2) because I can appear fit without putting so much work into it. Don’t get me wrong, I DO dance; I just consider myself more at home on a dance floor doing my own random thing rather than performing choreography on a stage in front of a large crowd. Also, just because people think I look fit, that doesn’t mean I’m not unhappy with my body sometimes. Trust me. I still have to put in serious work at the gym.

But sometimes it’s hard to get my boyish figure to cooperate. For some odd reason, at one point in life I thought I had an hourglass figure.

HAH. I’M FREAKING HILARIOUS.

You stupid little high school girl..

I’ve come to realize that I pretty much have a straight figure. I’ve always been a late bloomer and can still recall being ridiculed for “having no butt.” It was the talk of the town about how I couldn’t really fit into a pair of pants just right without needing a belt and how my cousins’ butts were so big. WOW. BIG WHOOP-DEE-DOO, AUNTIES. So when I was able to slip on a size 24 of Forever 21 skinny jeans that hugged me perfectly, it was a very, very sweet victory. Thankfully, my bum has grown a lot since then, and no one has uttered a word about it. It’s not big, but its presence is slightly acknowledged, and I’m content with that. And it’s not knocking anything over, which is cool. However, being boyish in figure means not having boobs and that’s a little harder to embrace. I would like to wear strapless dresses or clothing with bold cuts more than I do and actually have something to show off. To make matters worse, it doesn’t exactly hide weight gain. Seems like the girls who have slightly bigger breasts than mine and can fill B cups and even some A cups can conceal their tummies better. As someone who’s trying to workout to look and feel better, I frown in envy at the bitches who eat all they can at restaurants all the damn time and still come out looking fabulous.

Then there’s my flat nose, with an almost nonexistent nose bridge. My chubby cheeks (a result of excessive sodium intake from a phase when I would snack on sunflower seed for hours in a day). My deep eye bags. My eyebrows that may or may not be visible in certain lighting.`And my scars, blemishes, and uneven skin color. You’re probably thinking, “Wow, Allex. That’s a lot of negative things you’re pointing out about yourself. Can’t you think of anything you like?” Of course I can. I like my big eyes My straight, pearly white teeth. And my lips (you can find me trying new shades of lipstick all the time). My legs, my feet, my fingers, and even my innie belly button. But these things to me have become so overwhelmed by the imperfections that it’s hard not to feel bad about them. I’ve grown up feeling a lot of pressure about my appearance. Filipino aunties can be blatantly brutal about your flaws and it’s unfortunate to say that it has affected me to such an extent. It doesn’t help when random cuties are flirting with your cousins or friends either. Guess who’s left in the corner on their own looking a loser? Oh, me. Again.

Didn’t mean to sit on the pity pot for too long, but I just needed to get that off my chest.

Don’t mistake me for a girl who is rushing to get into a relationship, because it’s actually quite the opposite. I’m guilty of being a bit overenthusiastic when I meet someone new or when things start to get serious, but for now, as I mentioned earlier, I’d rather spoil myself. I like this freedom that I have. And while I am aware that one day, I will be able to dance around without a care and have someone by my side that will accept my craziness and probably dance alongside me in the goofiest way possible, today is not that day. I’ve had a scary close encounter, but I have not yet met my match and that’s fine by me. I don’t want anyone holding me down and I don’t want to hold anyone else down. I just don’t feel as if I’m ready for a relationship yet. Simple as that. I still carry a lot of baggage and a lot of it I feel is stuff I need to learn to take care of on my own. I want to be the best I can be when entering a relationship (even if I’m still far from perfect) and I definitely know that I have to really, truly love myself first. I could have the whole world telling me to stop putting myself down and that I’m beautiful, but it all doesn’t matter unless I believe it myself. But just for shits and giggles, I like to think that, because I don’t really possess the stereotypical type of cute girl looks that guys covet, it just means that there’s an extraordinarily atypical cutie out there for me that’s waiting to be found.

I’m definitely a work in progress. Looking back though, there is significant growth from this exact point in my life last year. I’ve learned to love, forgive, and let go, and for those who’ve known me since at least high school can definitely attest to my issues in doing so. These first four months of the year have already brought events to test how much I’ve grown, but for the most part, I can say I’ve combatted then pretty successfully. Clearly, some tweaking needs to be done, but it’s a lot better than it was. The struggles live on, but God knows I’m happier.

As for the relationships in my life, I know I should break out of my shell even more than I have. I’m beyond thankful for the new friends I made in such a short amount of time and have taken me in like family nonetheless. I’m thankful for the friendships I’ve strengthened. I’m thankful for having a few people out there that I can always fall back on no matter what, even if distance separates us and we don’t get to talk that often. You know who you are. 🙂 I’m also thankful for realizing that there were some people in my life that are really not even relevant and that I shouldn’t give two shits about. You’ve given me some valuable lessons and it’s nice to take a break from worrying so much. There are still kinks: people I hope to reconnect with, people I hope to get to know more, just some things that are up in the air, but I hope the upcoming months will help lay that down for me.

As I’m writing this, it’s just about to hit 5:30am and I’m going to get up in a few hours because I’m supposed to be productive and grind down on these last few weeks of school. This is what I get for napping at 7:30pm and drinking caffeinated tea at 11pm… Shout out to all the insomniacs!

So I’m a bit all over the place.

My life is a state of chaos. I don’t quite know where I’m going anymore and it’s scary, but I’m also okay with it. I have my share of bad days like today, but I have never loved my life more. I’ve discovered just how passionate I can be and reignited my desire to travel, so God willing, when I have some idea of what I want to do, I’ll be able to take my passion and go great places, literally and figuratively.

In a sense, I’ll always be “all over the place.” Whether it be with the internal struggles in my head right now, or traveling around the country and eventually the world with friends and family, there’s just something fantastic about this whimsy. I once wanted to be an ornithologist. For those who don’t know what an ornithologist is, it is someone who studies birds. And here is yet another atypical thing about me because, let’s be real, how many people have said, “I want to study birds for a living!!”? I say this because admire the freedom of birds. There is good deal of sadness in a caged bird that is never let out, but a bird in the open air, able to express its full potential in flight, is a sight that enraptures me, reason being I can relate to this perfectly. I’d consider myself a baby bird, given that I’m still trying to get used to this and I’m not as independent as I wish.

But I’m still a free bird.

So I will sing. At 6:15am.

And probably make a mess.

But you’ll have to excuse me.

Little Spark of Madness: A Manifesto & Tribute to Robin Williams.

As of late, I have been meaning to post something new to my blog. Many nights, I sat staring at the WordPress app on my iPhone, hoping to find some inspiration for my thoughts. Most of those nights, I simply put my phone down on my dresser and turned around to get my shut eye.

Well around 10 this morning, I was reading through my Twitter feed when I came across WordPress’s Weekly Writing Challenge, which was to write a manifesto. Ecstatic that I could possibly have something to write about, I clicked the link and read all about it.

“A declaration of the intentions, motives, or views of the issuer,” huh?

Despite the ideas given in this post, I could not rack my brain for anything that I could really write about.

I said to myself, “I have passion. I care about things. But what are those things? There has to be SOMETHING I can write about.”

Disappointed, I saved the link in my bookmarks in hopes that I could return to it later.

A few hours passed and still, nothing. So I decided to take a nap on my couch.

At about 4 in the afternoon, I finally got up and I refreshed my Twitter feed again, this time, only to find #RIPRobinWilliams on my timeline.

I was devastated.

There was no way in Heaven or Hell that this could be true.

Robin Williams, one of the greatest names known to man, found dead in his home in Tiburon in Marin County at the age of 63.

Cause of death:possible suicide by asphyxia (a condition arising when the body is deprived of oxygen, causing unconsciousness or death; suffocation).

Suicide.

Though it is still unsure that this is the reason for his passing (and I pray that it not be the case), it is a scary, and sad, irony to think about.

A man who dedicated himself to making people laugh, who seemed so happy and filled with fun, had depression and ended his own life.

Damn.

How cruel this world can be.

Celebrities, YouTubers, and common people alike tweeted about how Williams was a beautiful person, and how they would never forget their encounters with him, or the impact he made on their lives.

Lindsay Lohan: “Mr. Williams visited me the first day of filming The Parent Trap. I will never forget his kindness. What an enormous loss. My condolences.”

Tyler Oakley: “Very sad to hear about Robin Williams. From Jumanji to Aladdin, and Mrs. Doubtfire to Hook, he was a staple of my childhood. RIP.”

Even one of my colleagues from my university, who works for an Apple store in Marin, posted about meeting Williams 3 weeks ago at work. That day, she told me, he brought flowers to his wife.

Along with simple gestures like that, Robin Williams was clearly involved in charity. He founded the Windfall Foundation, supported St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, and donated his proceeds from “Weapons of Self Destruction” when an earthquake hit Canterbury in 2010.

Robin Williams was loved by all on television. He always seemed to play a character that was motivational, uplifting, and just down-to-earth. He could reach out to children and adults alike, either as Genie from Aladdin or as John Keating in Dead Poets Society (one of my personal favorites). I actually put in my DVD of Hook tonight as I was eating dinner, and I admit that there were multiple times that I teared up, just by some of his William’s facial expressions and the things he said.

The man was truly a gift.

He had his share of personal struggles with drugs and alcohol, which caused him to go to rehab at some point in his life. In March 2009, he underwent heart surgery. And from most recent news, studies say he was battling depression the last few months of his life. Yet, this did not stop him from giving. He did not cease to bring joy to others, to the point of death, and he could not save himself. But he was selfless, and the world needs more people like Robin Williams.

So as I continued to see dedications to Mr. Williams on all sorts of social media, I came across this particular quote that stood out to me:

“You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”

And then it hit me.

There it was; my manifesto.

I can say that I’ve been at war with myself for a while now. And while I can’t say I have severe depression or something close to it, I have had my late night breakdowns here and there. And I’ve been trying to look past it, because I know that I have many wonderful things in my life.

And today, Robin Williams made me realize that.

I may not be rich and famous. I may not think I’m the best-looking person, but I have my attributes and I should learn to embrace those, along with my flaws. And with all that has been given to me, I should live to better myself.

I am crossing my fingers that I will never reach the point where I feel as if I am so lost that the only solution is death. And my heart goes out to anyone that is battling depression right now, because it is a horrible mental illness that is often overlooked. And the fact that some people brush it off as nothing just makes me sick. Even to those who may have hurt me, I would never want to learn that they suffered from depression and ended up taking their own lives.

With that in mind, I hope I can make some kind of a turn in my life. With a new school year coming up, I know I will be faced with a lot of new experiences, from fun times to hard times. So I hope I can follow through with all the goals I place in front of me.

1. Be more kind.

I can be a bitch. I won’t lie. It’s second nature for me to be sarcastic, even if I’m purely joking, but I know some people take it seriously. Although it kind of pains me to “deal with stupidity,” I am not the only one with insecurities and I know by experience that words really can hurt. It’s good to push the pride away too.

2. Have more patience!

Ooh. This is a BIG one. I hate waiting. Lately, I feel like I deserve to have so much more than I have been receiving. Like, I’ve done volunteer work. I get good grades. I don’t get into trouble. So, why can’t I have my car? Why couldn’t I get an apartment instead of on-campus housing? Why can’t I have a significant other that loves me above all else? Why, why, why? It’s not fair. This sucks. Blah, blah, blah.

I need to realize that God has His plans for me. He is only waiting for the right moment to give me all that I need and deserve. And hey, maybe I’m not ready for all the things I want right now and He’s still fixing me up before he gives me that. Looking back, He protected me from so many occasions that could have gone wrong, and it seems like that’s what he’s still doing. So it seems that I’ll have to play the waiting game a little longer. Which kind of sucks. But thanks for being a homie, God.

3. Seize the day!

Now this seems a little counterintuitive to my last goal, but the phrase, “seize the day” or “Carpe diem” was stated by Robin William’s character, John Keating, in DPS. Additionally, Williams starred in a film called Seize the Day.

Life needs its balance. And while we must have patience for some things, we can’t just sit on our asses and expect it all to fall into place. No. If you want to go that music festival, get a job and start saving money. If you want to start a hobby, look at guides or tutorials on whatever it is you want to do, whether it be painting or rock collecting.

“Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die.” ~ John Keating

4. Smile more and don’t be afraid to make new friends.

Yes, I love to laugh. I love to flash my pearly whites. Who doesn’t? But I’ve also been told that I look very stern when people first meet me because I’m quiet. I have no intention of looking unapproachable; I guess it’s just my initial demeanor because I don’t want people to think I’m too weird and totally reject my personality. But in this past year, it has become pretty clear that like attracts like and the friends I’ve made are just as weird as I am. And that’s pretty cool. Plus, smiling can be contagious.

5. Find reasons to love myself.

I struggle with self-image. People look at me and see a skinny, proportional girl with a nice tan, and I see a mess. I’m insecure about my acne. My eye bags. My small boobs, which can’t hide my tummy when I’m bloated. My thinnish hair. My round, flat nose. My annoying laugh. The list is endless.

But I guess I have a nice butt. And legs. And my eyes are pretty big. And my lips are full and my teeth are straight. And I don’t sunburn. This list is also endless.

I’m not trying to be narcissistic, oh no. But I can’t keep bashing on myself and hope that someone will accept me when I can’t accept myself. Cliché. But it’s true. And it’s not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Because really, when you’re beautiful within, it’ll show on the outside.

6. Don’t ever let drugs become a vital source of comfort or happiness.

Just another point I never hope to get to. I pity the people who can’t go out sober. It’s sad to think that some people get drunk just to go watch a movie. Like, what?

I know people that drink daily and come up with the most profound theses on life, but most times, alcohol ends up in crying and rants and puddles of vomit.

Drugs are only a temporary source of pleasure that mess with the chemicals in your brain and the other organs in the body. How many celebrity deaths occurred because the person overdosed on pills? Or got alcohol poisoning? A lot.

And the drug culture is expanding. And not slowly, as a matter of fact.

Drugs and alcohol are “social substances” so to speak, and although I strongly believe in “living life while I’m still young,” a bottle for a few hours of fun? Shrooms? Worth it? Mmm…perhaps not.

7. Surround myself with good people.

Everyone needs friends that they can fall back on. It’s as simple as that. I’m not talking about people who are down to hang out all the time (that’s nice too), but the people who know you inside and out and are your real support system. I think it’s important to have that good balance of people who are blunt with you, but are willing to stick with you and help you through your troubles.

8. Stop living in fear.

Last one!

This sounds repetitive and can be classified in the same boat as “Carpe diem,” but everything here has to tie together at some point, so why not here?

I need to stop being scared of failure. Of rejection. Of falling for people that maybe “I shouldn’t be falling for.”

Because it’s bound to happen. I’m bound to get hurt. I’m bound to get my heart broken. Things won’t always go my way. I’ve already told myself that countless times. It would be more detrimental to let events go past me and wish that I experienced them. And after all, if I trip, I’m going to get up eventually.

I wouldn’t let myself do otherwise.

Now I’m not saying that when I wake up in the morning, I will be totally changed and on the right track (what right track, really?) of my young life. That is pretty impossible. I’m pretty sure I’ll still write some angsty blogs, but it’s a process. And the most important thing is that I WANT to do this.

I want to fulfill this manifesto.

And with that, I leave with three final quotes from the man himself:

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”

“You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”

“There is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.”

Thank you, Robin Williams for inspiring me and so many other people around the world. Thank you for being a wonderful person, despite your trials. Rest in peace. Hope you’re having fun in Neverland.

Bangarang.

July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014.