One of my favorite numbers.
It’s probably because in elementary school, when we were assigned a class number, I was #11 for multiple years.
It was also the number of people in a group with whom I thought I’d be friends with forever.
More than 10, but less than 12.
There was something “odd” about it (no pun intended).
But this is probably another reason why this is one of my favorite numbers because I always felt like the odd one out.
Not one of my favorite numbers, but I can appreciate it.
After all, they say two is better than one.
Two peas in a pod.
Two halves to a whole.
A lot of things come in pairs.
If we take the 1’s in 11 & add them, well, 1 + 1 = 2.
2 makes us feel complete.
2 tells us we get a second chance at life.
But when we add 11 & 2…
11 + 2 = 13
The unlucky number & quite conveniently, my karmic debt number.
12 is considered universally perfect; it represents harmony & all good things.
13 tells us that we took things one step too far, & now harmony has turned into discord.
13 causes us to look back & try to figure out where we misstepped.
Did we do too much just to receive so little?
We try to go back to the very beginning.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I made it back to the very beginning with a sad smile on my face.
But as I scrolled through the archived messages on my desktop, the system crashed.
Perhaps it was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to be looking.
If we take 11.2 & turn it around, it becomes 2.11.
And I see it as 2, 1, 1, as if I am nearing the end of a countdown to something big, but I am afraid to say “zero” because I fear becoming nothing.
I’m counting down the days to my showcase, to my graduation, to moving back home, to my MCAT.
I’m counting the days I spend time with people, & the ones that pass where I wish I could renew a friendship.
I’m counting the days of my hair growing back, while hoping that the stress I’m feeling won’t cause it to thin again.
I close my eyes & count to 10, hoping this is all just a bad dream.
Because I’m terrified by the numbers.
It didn’t make sense to me; like the fact that you decided to buy fake glasses when all you need to do is update the prescription on your real ones.
But I understand.
You wanted a new look, to try something different, without the worries of committing to something so serious; a path that seems to go only one way.
And wanting to test the waters doesn’t make you a bad person.
Because in the past months, you have had the taste of sweet freedom.
And damn. Doesn’t it feel good to live for yourself?
As for me, I desired knowledge.
To feel so close, yet still somewhat disconnected, I wondered what was going on.
I wondered what could be, because I always wonder.
And that’s the thing about me: my curiosity about the world is what keeps me alive.
But it is also a hindrance because I know that curiosity killed the cat, & this cat overthinks & feels all too deeply.
But a cat has nine lives & I am not dead yet because I am meant to chase the mouse that is my dreams & I am very, very hungry.
And you also understand.
I am grateful that you aren’t going to take this conversation & walk out of my life because you feel uncomfortable.
I am grateful because, around you, I can be raw & unfiltered.
I am grateful because you are honest.
I am grateful because you remember the details about me that people usually pay no mind to.
I am grateful because you stimulate my mind & provide me with conversations that I wish could last forever.
I am grateful because you travel far & wide to see me.
I am grateful because you are always great company.
I am grateful, because all the care I’ve ever put into others, is now finally being reciprocated in the same dynamic.
And I’ll admit that it was confusing; I’ll admit I found it strange.
You’re different; you truly are a special one.
But you are just a friend, & if this is what friendship is, then the world needs more good-hearted people like you.
I am not mad, & never could be, for many reasons that I could list, but will refrain from doing, for that list would probably be excessive & disorderly.
But no matter to that.
I am blinded by love. Not for you in particular; I just naturally fall in love with all of my surroundings.
I try to see the good in everyone & everything.
And there is so much good in you.
Things were blurry, but now I have the lenses to see things clearly, & I could not be more content.
I could not be happier to be so blessed with such a close friend near & dear to my heart in the time that we’ve spent together.
So thank you, for being a weirdo in your own right (although you disagree), because I’m a weirdo too & I think that makes our friendship all the more better.
I hope this lasts a lifetime.
Thank you, for giving me clarity.