How do I describe where I stand..
After much contemplation, I’ve reached the verdict that I remain at the point of confusion and lingering. Although I know (hopefully) that this is all temporary, I can’t help but continue to be baffled by how much it vexes me still.
It would seem appropriate that after all the things I’ve been through, I’d be, as most people would deem, “over it,” and for the most part, I can say that I am. I’ve only seen you a few times over summer, but I try not to let that be so bothersome. While you’re there eating your 3rd round of dinner, I dance around, laughing because I’m having fun, and why should I let your presence annoy me? I just choose to wear my mask of civility, to hide my jaunting attitude and bitterness. So I’m fine. I’ve gone through the course about 3 months, hanging out with other people and doing fairly interesting things, like zip lining through redwood trees and visiting historical places, so things should be okay, right?
Well I guess it’s not as okay as I would’ve liked.
Every time a certain song plays, it brings back memories, and I wonder about how fantastic it would be if we both matured and realized our mistakes and decided to try things out again. And even without the taunting beckoning of oldies and classical music alike, I find myself thinking of you in the moments of silence where I’m trying determinedly to think of another subject. Moreover, your face continues to appear in my dreams as I sleep. The simplest things always get to me.
But thankfully, such instances have started to dwindle down.
I do still reminisce of the past and I still look for a possibility in the future but, with each day, such trivia decreases. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been able to jump back from my small, random lapses of sadness more quickly now, so I guess one could say I’ve been making progress. And one could say that progress is very good, right?
Well, not entirely wrong. Despite the greatness of finally starting to “move on” from the person that seems to have been on my mind the most, other thoughts have been flowing in, a discomfort most galling to me. So why do I find this to be so disturbing? It’s because such ideas seem so strange, farfetched, more outlandish and weird than previous ones. In a way, they are a visit from the past, but a little more “grown up” this time.
Yet, I feel as if this is also nothing.
Perhaps it is me overanalyzing as I always do and perhaps it is also others overanalyzing, therefore causing me to freak out more than I should have to. How disquieting it is, having to deal with the antics of such teasing.. It puts me over the edge, and I question why it peeves me so. Is it because I care? And if so, why do I care? I mean.. It’s natural to feel SOME solicitude, but this? Jealousy.. Concern.. Could it be something else? Is it possible that there is something persisting in my subconscious that is just prying to emerge? Some sort of feelings..? Are people seeing a connection that we cannot? Just why are things suddenly becoming more intense?! Ecch. I never thought that things would happen like this.. It would be quite nice to not feel so damn awkward all the time.
And that, my friends, is my new dilemma.